CIAN, bowler hat, medium gray trench coat, old-fashioned sunglasses, a cane.
BEAG, bowler hat, light grey trench coat.
SET: Front center, a rectangular table, around 8 feet long. To its right, as seen by the audience, an oven/stove. On the stove, a pot with steam coming from it, and on the floor to its right, a small garbage bin. To the table's left, a simple armless chair, facing the audience. On the table, one pound of ham, in one piece. The set is lit in medium light, and the remainder of the stage is left in darkness.
Curtains rise. CIAN sits at the chair. He stares directly forward. Five seconds.
CIAN: Ready, yes, they must be ready.
CIAN knocks his cane twice on the floor. BEAG enters from the right immediately, looks into the pot. He makes to leave.
CIAN: Are they ready?
BEAG stops and faces CIAN.
BEAG: Almost.
CIAN: Good. How long have they been steaming for?
BEAG: Almost long enough.
CIAN: Good. (Pause.) And the ham?
BEAG: Sitting on the table.
CIAN: Cooked?
BEAG: Since yesterday.
CIAN: Yesterday! Too long ago. (Pause.) Cook a new one.
BEAG: A new one! But –
CIAN: Yes, a new one.
BEAG: What about the potatoes?
CIAN: Stop them. (Long pause.) Will you go and stop them? You very well know I cannot do it myself! Do you want me to stay hungry?
BEAG: No.
CIAN: Do you want me to starve?
BEAG: No.
CIAN: Do you want me to hurt myself trying?
BEAG: No. I will stop them.
BEAG goes to the stove and turns off the burner.
CIAN: Good. Now cook more ham.
BEAG takes the cooked ham and drops it in the garbage.
BEAG: We are out of ham.
CIAN: Go out and buy more.
BEAG: Out? I cannot go out. I would be lynched.
CIAN: Lynched! Ah. Then use the old ham.
BEAG: I threw it away.
CIAN: Go out and buy more.
BEAG: Out? I cannot go out.
CIAN: Then go in. (BEAG makes to leave to the right.) Wait! (He stops.) How dare you leave me like that? Without saying goodbye?
BEAG: Goodbye, Cian. (He makes to leave.)
CIAN: Will you not kiss me goodbye?
BEAG stops, goes to CIAN, kisses his head from behind the chair.
BEAG: There. Goodbye, Cian. (Exit right.)
Long pause. CIAN knocks his cane on the floor twice. BEAG comes in immediately, carrying the ham on a roasting pan. He puts it in the oven, and makes to leave.
CIAN: Is it in?
BEAG stops and faces CIAN.
BEAG: Yes.
CIAN: Good. (Extended silence.) Are you still here?
BEAG: Yes.
CIAN: Good. Come closer. (BEAG stands behind the chair.) There. (Pause.) How long until the ham is ready?
BEAG: Long enough.
CIAN: Ah. (Pause.) You remember those days?
BEAG: Those days! Those were the days.
CIAN: Do you not enjoy these days?
BEAG: No.
CIAN: Nor I.
BEAG: Too gray.
CIAN: Too dark. (Long pause.) What time is it?
BEAG looks at his wrist. He does not have a watch.
BEAG: I cannot tell.
CIAN: Then the ham is ready. Get it out.
BEAG goes to the oven and removes the ham. He places it on the table.
CIAN: Are the potatoes ready?
BEAG: I stopped them.
CIAN: Then finish them.
BEAG turns the burner back on. Long pause.
CIAN: What time is it?
BEAG looks at his wrist.
BEAG: Later than before.
CIAN: That late! Take me to bed.
BEAG: What of the colcannon?
CIAN: The colcannon? Ah, you mean my elixir.
BEAG: Yes, that. What of it?
CIAN: I shall eat it tomorrow. Take me to bed.
BEAG goes to CIAN's side, takes his hand and leads him around the table, out right. Blackout. Ten seconds. Lights return, dimmer than before. BEAG sits at the chair, with CIAN's cane. He stares directly forward. The ham is on the table and the pot is steaming again. Five seconds.
BEAG: Ready, yes, they must be ready.
BEAG knocks his cane twice on the floor. CIAN enters from the right immediately, hands stretched out. He walks into the stove, stumbles, almost falls, avoids it. He feels his way to stand behind the stove. He leans over the top and sniffs, without looking down. He makes to leave.
BEAG: Are they ready?
CIAN stops and faces BEAG.
CIAN: I cannot see.
BEAG: Good. How long have they been steaming for?
CIAN: I cannot tell.
BEAG: Good. (Pause.) And the ham?
CIAN feels his way to the table, feels for the ham, finds it.
CIAN: Sitting on the table.
BEAG: Cooked?
CIAN: Since yesterday.
BEAG: Yesterday! Too long ago. (Pause.) Cook a new one.
CIAN: A new one! But –
BEAG: Yes, a new one.
CIAN: What about the potatoes?
BEAG: Stop them. (Long pause.) Will you go and stop them? You very well know I cannot do it myself! Do you want me to stay hungry?
CIAN: No.
BEAG: Do you want me to starve?
CIAN: No.
BEAG: Do you want me to hurt myself trying?
CIAN: No. I will stop them.
CIAN goes to the stove, walks into it, stumbles, almost falls, avoids it. He feels his way to stand behind the stove, and then feels for the knob to turn the burner off.
BEAG: Good. Now cook more ham.
CIAN feels for the ham, takes it, and drops it on the other side of the stove. It does not fall into the garbage can.
CIAN: We are out of ham.
BEAG: Go out and buy more.
CIAN: Out? I cannot go out. I would be lost.
BEAG: Lost! Ah. Then use the old ham.
CIAN: I threw it away.
BEAG: Go out and buy more.
CIAN: Out? I cannot go out.
BEAG: Then go in. (CIAN makes to leave to the right.) Wait! (He stops.) How dare you leave me like that? Without saying goodbye?
CIAN: Goodbye, Beag. (He makes to leave.)
BEAG: Will you not kiss me goodbye?
CIAN stops, goes toward and walks directly past BEAG, and keeps walking.
BEAG: Over here!
CIAN stops, turns, walks toward BEAG, walks into him, stumbles, almost knocks BEAG over, they both almost fall, avoid it. CIAN feels his way to the back of the chair, then kisses BEAG's head.
CIAN: There. Goodbye, Beag.
He feels his way from the chair to the table, to the stove, and exits right. Long pause. BEAG knocks his cane on the floor twice. CIAN comes in immediately, carrying an empty roasting pan. He walks into the oven, stumbles, drops the pan, almost falls, avoids it. He crouches, feels around for the pan, takes it, stands up, feels for the oven door handle, opens it. He puts the pan in the oven, closes the door, and makes to leave.
BEAG: Is it in?
CIAN stops and faces BEAG.
CIAN: Yes.
BEAG: Good. (Extended silence.) Are you still here?
CIAN: Yes.
BEAG: Good. Come closer.
CIAN walks towards and directly past BEAG, and keeps walking.
BEAG: Over here!
CIAN stops, turns, walks towards BEAG, walks into him, stumbles, almost knocks BEAG over, they both almost fall, avoid it. He feels his way to the back of the chair.
BEAG: There. (Pause.) How long until the ham is ready?
CIAN: Long enough.
BEAG: Ah. (Pause.) You remember those days?
CIAN: Those days! Those were the days.
BEAG: Do you not enjoy these days?
CIAN: No.
BEAG: Nor I.
CIAN: Too painful.
BEAG: Too still. (Long pause.) What time is it?
CIAN looks at his wrist. He does not have a watch.
CIAN: I cannot tell.
BEAG: Then the ham is ready. Get it out.
CIAN feels his way to the oven, searches for the door handle, opens it, takes the empty pan out, closes the door. He places the pan on the table.
BEAG: Are the potatoes ready?
CIAN: I stopped them.
BEAG: Then finish them.
CIAN feels for the knob and turns the burner back on. Long pause.
BEAG: What time is it?
CIAN looks at his wrist.
CIAN: Later than before.
BEAG: That late! Take me to bed.
CIAN: What of the colcannon?
BEAG: The colcannon? Ah, you mean my remedy.
CIAN: Yes, that. What of it?
BEAG: I shall eat it tomorrow. Take me to bed.
CIAN pulls the chair back laboriously. He turns it to the right, and pushes it off to the right. Blackout.
End.
You request a critique here. Would you truly like one? I've both studied and taught Beckett (and acted Beckett and dramaturged Beckett) and would be reasonably qualified to offer one.
Cheers!