The Meeting

CHARACTERS
Richard
Nicholas


RICHARD enters and looks around, as if searching for something. His hair is messy, and he wears a button-down shirt only half-closed. He has a wristwatch on his left wrist. He looks worried and confused.

NICHOLAS enters from the opposite side and crosses the stage to re-exit. He has a large lump on his back and wears a wristwatch on his right wrist. As he walks, he takes no notice of RICHARD.

RICHARD (as NICHOLAS walks by him): Oh there you are, Nick! (NICHOLAS continues walking.) Nick? (NICHOLAS exits.) Nicholas!

NICHOLAS (reentering): Are you talking to me?

RICHARD: Of course I'm talking to you, Nick.

NICHOLAS: Do I even know you?

Pause.

RICHARD: Don't we know each other?

NICHOLAS: I don't think so.

RICHARD: Then how did I know your name was Nicholas?

NICHOLAS: That's not my name.

RICHARD: Oh. (Pause.) It's not?

NICHOLAS: No. My name is Gregor Samsa.

RICHARD: That's ridiculous. Why would anyone give their child such a hideous name?

NICHOLAS: Because when I was born, I my mother thought I was a cockroach.

RICHARD: That's horrible!

NICHOLAS: My father threw an apple at me because I scared him.

RICHARD: What happened then?

NICHOLAS: That's what this lump on my back is.

RICHARD: Oh. (Pause.) Are you sure you're not Nicholas?

NICHOLAS: Two hundred percent sure.

RICHARD: Wow. (Pause.) Can I call you Nick anyways?

NICHOLAS: Whatever.

Pause.

RICHARD: So what are you doing out here in the middle of nowhere?

NICHOLAS: Talking to you, of course. What else?

RICHARD: Oh.

NICHOLAS: Well, it's nice to see you again, Rick.

RICHARD: Why are you calling me Rick?

NICHOLAS: Because that's your name.

RICHARD: No, it's not.

NICHOLAS: Yes, it is. That's what I've called you all my life.

RICHARD: Do I even know you?

NICHOLAS: Fine. So what's you name?

RICHARD: My name is Gregor Samsa.

NICHOLAS: That's ridiculous. Why would anyone give their child such a hideous name?

RICHARD: Because when I was born, I my mother thought I was a cockroach.

NICHOLAS: That sounds awfully familiar. (Pause.) But I'll just call you Rick.

RICHARD: Whatever.

Pause.

NICHOLAS: So what are you doing out here in the middle of nowhere?

RICHARD: Waiting for my friend Nick. He said he would meet me here.

NICHOLAS: Well, I'm here now.

RICHARD: You're not Nick.

NICHOLAS: Isn't that what you call me?

RICHARD: But you just said your name is Gregor.

NICHOLAS: What are names, anyway?

RICHARD: Well— (Pause.) Maybe I'm at the wrong place.

NICHOLAS: Where did your friend say he'd meet you?

RICHARD: I remember very well him saying, “Let's meet right in that middle of
nowhere.”

NICHOLAS: That's very specific.

RICHARD: Maybe I'm thinking of the wrong nowhere.

NICHOLAS: But I met you here.

RICHARD: You're not my friend Nick.

NICHOLAS (offended): Why don't you think I'm your friend?

RICHARD: That's not what I said.

NICHOLAS: I heard you very clearly. You said, “You're not my friend, Nick.”

RICHARD: Oh. (Pause.) Why don't we pronounce commas?

NICHOLAS: Why would you?

RICHARD: So that if I wanted to say “You're not my friend, Nick,” I'd just say, “You're not my friend comma Nick.”

NICHOLAS (offended): Why don't you think I'm your friend?

RICHARD: It was just an example.

NICHOLAS: Oh. (Pause.) Go on.

RICHARD: That way, if I only said “You're not my friend Nick,” you'd know what I meant.

NICHOLAS: That's brilliant!

RICHARD: Thank you.

NICHOLAS: We should request that the language be amended to include the pronunciation of commas.

RICHARD: And call it Lemuel's Amendment.

NICHOLAS: Why not Rick's Amendment?

RICHARD: Because that's not my name.

NICHOLAS: Oh. (Pause.) Then why not Gregor's Amendment?

RICHARD: That's not my name!

NICHOLAS: Oh. (Pause.) Then what is your name?

RICHARD: Lemuel Gulliver.

NICHOLAS: That's ridiculous. Why would anyone give their child such a hideous name?

RICHARD: Because when I was born comma, I could talk to horses.

NICHOLAS: Oh. (Pause.) I'll still call you Rick.

RICHARD: If you insist.

NICHOLAS: I don't, really.

A long pause.

RICHARD: I think you missed a comma comma, there.

NICHOLAS: I'm sorry. I meant to say comma, “I don't comma, really.”

RICHARD: Was that another missed comma?

NICHOLAS: When?

RICHARD: Between “I'm sorry” and “I meant.”

NICHOLAS: No comma, that was a period.

RICHARD: Oh.

Pause.

NICHOLAS: Maybe we should also pronounce the periods comma, to avoid confusion.

RICHARD: That's brilliant!

NICHOLAS: Thank you period.

RICHARD: We should request that the language be amended to include the pronunciation of periods period.

NICHOLAS: And call it Lemuel's Amendment period.

RICHARD: Why not Nick's Amendment?

NICHOLAS: Because that's not my name period.

RICHARD: Oh period. (Pause.) Then why not Gregor's Amendment?

NICHOLAS: That's not my name!

RICHARD: Oh period. (Pause.) Then what is your name?

NICHOLAS: Lemuel Gulliver period.

RICHARD: That's ridiculous period. Why would anyone give their child such a hideous name?

NICHOLAS: Because when I was born comma, I could talk to horses period.

RICHARD: That sounds awfully familiar period. (Pause.) I'll still call you Rick period.

NICHOLAS: If you insist period.

A long pause.

RICHARD: Didn't we miss some periods in that discussion?

NICHOLAS: They were probably exclamation and question marks.

BOTH: Maybe we should also pronounce the exclamation and question marks comma, to avoid confusion period.

BOTH: That's brilliant exclamation mark!

BOTH: Thank you period.

BOTH: We should request that the language be amended to include the pronunciation of exclamation and question marks period.

BOTH: And call it Romeo's Amendment period.

RICHARD: Why not Nick's Amendment question mark?

NICHOLAS (at the same time): Why not Rick's Amendment question mark?

BOTH: Because that's not my name period.

BOTH: Oh period. (Pause.) Then why not Gregor's Amendment question mark?

BOTH: That's not my name exclamation mark!

BOTH: Oh period. (Pause.) Then why not Lemuel's Amendment question mark?

BOTH: That's not my name comma, dammit exclamation mark!

BOTH: Oh period. (Pause.) Then what is your name question mark?

BOTH: Romeo Montague period.

BOTH: That's ridiculous period. Why would anyone give their child such a hideous name question mark?

BOTH: Because when I was born comma, I had a star-crossed lover period.

BOTH: Oh period.

Pause.

RICHARD: I'll still call you Nick period.

NICHOLAS (at the same time): I'll still call you Rick period.

BOTH: If you insist period.

A long pause.

RICHARD: I'm hungry period.

NICHOLAS takes the apple from his back and takes a bite off it.

NICHOLAS: Care for an apple question mark?

RICHARD: You're already eating it yourself period.

NICHOLAS: Oh period. I'm sorry.

Pause.

NICHOLAS continues to eat the apple.

NICHOLAS: So comma, what were we going to talk about when we met question mark?

RICHARD: Was it you I was going to meet question mark?

NICHOLAS: I thought we had come to that conclusion already period.

RICHARD: Oh period. (Pause.) Maybe we did period.

NICHOLAS: So what was it question mark?

RICHARD: Don't you remember question mark?

NICHOLAS: You were the one who was waiting desperately for me period.

RICHARD: You were the one who chose the place period.

Pause.

BOTH: I guess you don't remember period.

BOTH: Not really period. Do you question mark?

BOTH: Nope period.

BOTH: Then what are we doing here question mark?

BOTH: Talking period.

BOTH: Oh period. (Pause.) Right period.

They check their watches.

BOTH: I should go comma, my friend period.

BOTH (disappointed): Why do you have to question mark?

BOTH: I said I'd meet a friend in the middle of nowhere period.

BOTH: I'm your friend comma, and this is the middle of nowhere period.

BOTH: Oh comma, I'm sorry comma, but it's another friend comma, and another middle of nowhere period.

BOTH: Okay comma, okay period.

BOTH: I'll see you around comma, yes question mark?

BOTH: You sure will period.

They extend their hands.

BOTH (shaking hands): Goodbye period.

They exit, each to the same side from where they entered.


End.